God Is...Restoration

I was angry with God.

I wish there was a prettier way to put it... but there isn't.

I was angry, and I felt justified.

I had moved home from school because I felt God had told me to... only to be greeted with my Mother falling ill.

It wasn't the type of sick where there was a cold, or there was a cure, or a name.

She was sick and nothing could help.

Doctor visits. Hospital stays. Tons of medication.

... No answers.

Sleepless nights. Hours of anguish. Tons of prayer.

...No answers.

4 jobs. Full-Time Student. Part-time caregiver.

... No answers.

If you've never had to watch a parent suffer, and fight for their life, I pray you never have to. It is heart wrenching and painful. To have no answers, or means to help the pain they're experiencing, is even more painful.

My family hit rock bottom as a unit... and then we hit bed-rock.

The place lower than rock bottom.

However, I chose daily to show up. I showed up for my parents. I showed up for my siblings. I showed up at my job, and at school -- but I didn't show up for Nysi.

And sadly, I for sure did not show up for God.

I felt that He had forsaken us. I had done everything I thought I was supposed to do. I had prayed, I had fasted, I had chosen to trust him... yet here we were. Still struggling... still suffering.

People kept telling me to be strong. I heard them tell me that I caused my Mother's sickness. I even heard people blame us not praying enough, as the reason my Mother was sick.

And the kicker was, they said all of this in the name of God. So you can imagine my disdain; the hurt, confusion, and guilt that riddled my already weak heart.

I had to be strong though... right? So I put on a mask, and I kept pushing.

For months I wrestled with anger and anxiety.

I got on a plane to Africa, angry and anxious.

I landed, angry and anxious.

I spent the better first half of my trip... angry and anxious.

I was riding in a car along the coast of Africa when we entered into a town called Wilderness, South Africa.

It hands down is the most beautiful place I have ever seen.

It was while I was playing in the water, laughing, finally feeling free and laying down my mask, that I heard God speak to me for the first time in a long time.

I looked up from the water and just happened to look behind me to see the mountains, when God as softly as ever spoke to my heart and said,

"Nysi... the Wilderness is filled with both. There's both mountains and beauty. Many people expect the wilderness to be a dry place, when in reality, it's the land of milk and honey. Your wilderness is contingent on your perspective."

Your wilderness is contingent on your perspective.

I realized, while standing in Wilderness, that I had been focused on the wrong aspect of my own wilderness.

I had been sitting crisscross applesauce, eyes glued to mountains...ignoring the beauty of the beach behind me.

It did not negate that there were mountains surrounding me, because they were definitely there, but it did change my focus.

Yes there was sickness, but there was also life.

Yes, there was stress, but there was also joy.

Yes, there was anxiety, but there way also peace.

There were hills and valleys... mountains and beaches.

I just had to choose which one I was going to focus on.

It wasn't easy! It did not come naturally. But the more I chose the beaches, the more I chose peace, the more I chose joy, the more I chose Jesus... the more restored I felt.

Restoration did not mean my situation had changed. Restoration meant that my heart posture had changed.

I was sitting crisscross applesauce facing the beaches now... taking in the beauty. Not ignoring the pain of the mountains, but processing it slowly, deeply, and holistically.

And although I did not endure my suffering as Job did, my outcome became as Job's.

God restored.

God found me at bed rock and made something beautiful.

Maybe you are angry at God. Maybe you feel that this God thing just isn't for you anymore. Maybe you feel abandoned. Maybe you feel betrayed. Maybe you feel that there is no hope.

I get it. I've been there.

But let me bring some encouragement.... there is hope, friend.

You may not feel like leaning in, or seeking God, but I promise you He knows where you are. He knows where to find you. He wants you. He is not angry with you, even if you are with Him.

And when He finds you, He will show you the beauty in your struggle.

Hold on, Friend.

Help is coming.

Restoration is coming.

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." - 1 Peter 5:10